The Vipassana

Update

Xmas time 2006

And so mid December I picked my dad up at the airport and we got a taxi to Delhi. There I was happy to see him, carefree and chatting away, but his mind however was on other things. I could see his fingers going white as they gripped the seat in the car and his eyes staring out of the window in some kind of horror/amazement emotion as we hurtled through the traffic nearly missing cars, rickshaws and cows. I forgot that to the untrained westerner this kind of journey seems dangerous. After this I had to take the helm and deal with travel arrangements, money, haggling or often shouting at the unscrupulous Indians eager to get you to open your wallet. We went to the Taj, we went to Varanassi and then we headed for the hills.




Up in Sikkim things were a little more relaxed and chilled out for dad to handle. However this time I suffered. Doing a trek at 4000 metres, sleeping in huts with no fire that plummet to minus 10 degrees Celsius at night was too chilled for me. I observed myself becoming a whinging child until I finally got my way and we descended to a luxury hotel to recover for a couple of days.

During this time my practice weakened and I also observed myself becoming a little spoilt watching 'star movies' in my room and whinging every now and then to get my way to satisfy some desire or other. But I also noticed how I didn't allow guilt to creep in, I knew that it was just harder for me to be 'awake' when with someone else and not meditating or doing yoga.

It was nice to spend this time with my dad. I think that it made us closer and I'm glad he got a glimpse of my world which is so far removed from his (although I think he may be coming round to spirituality a little even if he doesn't admit it).

He left and I spent 20 hours on a filthy platform on waiting for a delayed train to take me to Bodhgaya for the vipassana (insight meditation) retreat.

The Fire Jan 2007

The first week of the retreat was very hard for me. I craved being at One with God and expected Martin to say some magic words that would take me further into that experience I had two years ago of indescribable bliss and love. It didn't happen. And so I became resentful of being trapped in the monastery when I could be doing something more useful like healing or teaching or helping others in some way. I paced around the monastery like a criminal plotting his escape from jail.

Of course by the end of the week I came to realise that anger is not exactly a wise quality to cultivate and so despite my ego's insistence to leave I decided to stay if only to cultivate patience. It was pointed out to me that I needed to investigate this energy rather than allow it to propel me into the future.

On the second week I still had this burning rage inside me. I inquired into it. I was patient with it. I came to realise that this was in part a fire felt so deep down inside that was determination. I must harness its energy to deepen my relationship with God. I must sit with my pain and welcome it with a loving embrace.

So I decided to summon all my determination to face the source of these murderous angry thoughts. It was on the first day of the second week when I was doing walking meditation. I started to breath faster and my body started to tingle. I sat down. I began hyperventilating and my whole body was covered in immense pins and needles for a minute or so. Someone rushed to fetch Martin who asked, 'Was I afraid?' and I looked him straight in the eye and replied, 'No, I was ready for it.'

After that the fire inside me was just pure determination. Calmly waiting for whatever horror might reveal it's ugly face.

A few days later I felt a sharp pain in my physical heart, I panicked a little that it might stop beating or explode into a thousand pieces. Determined not to allow fear to defeat me I declared as a true spiritual warrior, 'I don't care if I have to die, I love God so much I will face any fear,' and lept in with all the light I could shine on it.

I felt an itch on my face. Usually I would remember it's impermanence, watch the breath, and let it pass without scratching it. But I wasn't going to hide this time. However this pathetic itchy feeling was so sharp that it was very hard to face. I plucked up all the intrigue I could muster and launched in with vigour. I was astonished to find it was so vast that even when I propelled myself to it's extremes I couldn't find it. I existed as vast emptiness and clarity.

The Earth

I also came to realise the importance of grounding myself. Like a tree that grows high needs deep roots to stay steady, I have been in touch with the earth. Often feeling like a wild animal wanting to beat my chest and roar.

I am ready to impart my wisdom to help, heal and teach, I just lacked the confidence, the assertiveness, the stability. I need discipline to quell my restless, imaginative mind to face my fears so that I can help others face their too. I need to power to speak up in groups something I've been pushing myself to do when we ask questions or report back how we're doing. I started to really ground myself to have faith in my wisdom. I made myself feel heavier and more solid like a rock when doing this kind of public speaking. This helps prevent me from 'spacing out' to keep focused.

What is it that propels you from being present, from being at peace?

Sitting with the intention to be,
Here and Now, Awake,
A thought of the future arises,
You catch it and witness its energy,
Now move in deeper,
Where is it in the body,
That this thought energy is flung from?

Sitting with the intention to be,
At peace with what is, at One,
A contraction in the leg arises,
You move in and try to be with it,
Now follow it to its root,
Where else does it lead you in the body,
That you need to let go by let be?

I Am the Warrior Light Behind Awareness

I am the light behind awareness,
Wherever I shine I become that reality,
I may be drawn to a pleasant taste, a beautiful view, a soulful melody,
Thus marveling with delight at my terrific manifestations.

But this is not enough to know,
For I still suffer,
And so a deep unrest inside me grows,
A fire burning hotter,
Determined to conquer,
To destroy the enemy of delusion,
Fighting relentlessly and with persistence,
To help God shine brighter,
With His Love I will do justice!

But the weapons of mass destruction I choose,
Doesn't destroy the deluded who lack wisdom in their heart,
For they are suffering already.

Instead I must simply shine Light on all fears I encounter,
To make it known that the enemy of fear can only be defeated with Love,
And so to illuminate judgements without judgement,
So that freedom, peace and God's true nature can reign.

Thailand

Arriving in Thailand

29/1/07
I fly to Thailand to renew my visa and chill out on a beach for a week or so. My God - the airport is future world, everyone has a brand new car, when did Thailand become this booming economy? I go to Ko San Road, the backpackers hangout, and find hedonistic hell- neon lights and sleazy nightclubs, drunken townies, music blaring and giant TVs showing the latest soccer match... I go to a restaurant and have to ask for them to make something special for me as there's no veggie option. I hastily book a ticket to an island.

30/2/07

I arrive in Ko Tao (an island) and it seems that everyone here fancied a change from Ibiza so came here this time. Great...
I'm trying to be non-judgemental.

Taking the Pressure Off 1/2/07

The past month has been fairly turbulent. Lots of anger, confusion and despair contrasted with moments of determination, strength and some clarity. I realised how I aspire to be this perfect spiritual saint who helps others with his infinite wisdom. I need to take the pressure off. I need to stop analyzing all that's happened, I need to stop trying to work out what's going on. I need to take the pressure off and heal what's happening. I need to focus on the here and now with love.

Here and Now,
That's all there is,
Wake up!
And let it go...
Breath in,
And with a long out breath realise the tension in the body,
Gently hold that disruptive feeling,
Softly like you would a crying baby,
Find forgiveness,
Move in with compassion,
I know it hurts,
But let it have its say,
In awareness's non-judgemental way.



The Fire Burns

A fire so strong it burns and scolds,
A fire so aggressive it could easily shoot through with rage,
A fire so strong it could lash out in despair,
A fire so intense it's near impossible to control,
A fire that needs taming?
Or a fire that can be harnessed?

My Confusion

Is this fire deep inside me something I need to give space to so that it can fizzle away?
Or is it something I can utilise by doing tantric practices, awakening my soul in a flash?

The Answer

Maybe both. By shining awareness on the fire gives it space and so aleviates it a little. This is because I relax the other parts of the body allowing the fire move around. Wisdom unblocks the knots in the body, opens the chakra's. Tantric practices induce fire to burn up through the body, unblocking the areas where greed, hatred and delusion have solidified. It seems that I could practice vipassana to create space for the fire to move which allows it to burn upwards. Or I could practice tantra to burn through the blockages. But the same thing is happening. It's funny how these two seemingly different practices are doing the same kind of thing.

Breaking Free

Facing Fears Fearlessly- 2/2/07

Fears will continue to exert their energy in the subconscious mind unless we face them fearlessly. You know that nothing is more fearless than God or Awareness. That knowing holds everything just as it is, no matter how scary or difficult it may be. Nothing is outside Awarenesses Love, no fear or horror is too big, for Awareness is deathless.

But before facing a fear you need to trust enough in Awarenesses power and open your mind to it's limitless nature. So begin by contemplating. You know that these words are contained in Awareness, and your body is contained there too. In fact the whole of your visual field lies in Awareness and the sounds are contained there as well. Consider the fact that every possible thought and emotion you could have, lies in Awareness. Even any resistance you may experience to open yourself fully to Awarenesses full potential, lies in Awareness.

I'm sure that just contemplating this for a few moments will bring great peace to your being. Being at One with your senses and thoughts, whatever form they take, allows a great sense of relief to ease away any tension that was being held.

The very intention to be with any struggles you may experience means that your body can begin to release and let go. Using Awareness to create peace with any fear you encounter means that your mind can become very still. Colours can become sharper, sounds can be intimately experienced, and as the tension in your body begins to dissolve you can become more sensitive o the subtle movements of energy in and around the body.

Breathing in and out.

All fears, all resistances, all struggles in the mind and body can be fearlessly acknowledged in awareness. However you are feeling right now lies in Awareness, so give yourself the space and permission to be aware of it, just as it is . . .

It's completely up to you how much of a deep state of blissful peace you'd like to enter into in order to heal. But the more you allow awareness to be free, the easier it will be for you to face fears in your life that have been troubling you. And maybe now is as good a time as any to really make that choice to let go and open your mind to allow awareness to fearlessly face those fears. Deep down there is a place where awareness can heal with such unconditional Love, that whatever was denied space in awareness before, is now free to be acknowledged. Free to flow. Free to express itself.

Take a few moments, maybe close your eyes and breath steadily, so that you can face fears fearlessly with awareness. Allowing yourself to be free.

Energy Dancer

Listening to music awakens the energy dancer in me. Last time I came to India I didn't listen to music and was terribly austere. I didn't take photo's or anything, the belief being that it would induce attachment an I would see the world through a filtered lenses and reminisce when I got home. This time I've allowed creativity to flow a little with the belief that if I never heard the music or see the photo's again I won't be too bothered. It seems silly to hide from desire in an attempt to be free when you can experience God all the more when open to His many expressions. So this time I have been listening to music and at times it has greatly moved me to tears. It unleashes the energy dancer in me.

But I am also fully aware of the dangers of this. While the energy dancer is a great healer I have to be cautious that it is an identity, even though a subtle one. And so I need to just watch it have its dance, do its healing thing, but in a non-attached way.

Sure it's good to be sensitive to subtle energies in and out of the body. Sure it's great to be able to flow with the blissful vibrations that dance within the life force of all things. But this ability is just an ability and is NOT who I ultimately am. I have seen many healers become attached to their abilities and cause much suffering as their ego's are bolstered. It must be remember that 'that knowing' is much clearer and more accepting an open than energy dancer. That knowing allows all to be without judgement and only with Love.

But for now I just arrived in Ko Pha- Ngan and by chance it's full moon at Hadrin - so I will go to the party and let energy dancer do his thing!

Ground yourself in Awareness

I've often been told to 'ground myself in my body'. I find it frustrating. OK - the body, as with the breath, is a good tool to come back to the present moment. But to stay in the body is like staying in a prison. If there's pain in the body I will shine awareness on it, but if the body is fine I will rest back in open awareness, not closed awareness in the body! If I find that I am spaced out or nervous, I will try to balance awareness so that it's just as much earthbound as it is sky bound. I will keep the body inside awareness, but if awareness grows bigger than the body I refuse to narrow it down and keep it limited to the body. The body is just the vessel which awareness can sense the awesome nature of God's expression. And it's the means to communicate this wonder to others. I am not the body.

Full moon hell

Energy dancer wasn't up to his usual self last night. When alone or at a 5 Rhythms class http://www.5rhythms.co.uk/ he's in his element, but on a packed beach blaring techno beats he tends to shy away. I spoke to a German girl this morning who said she saw couples having sex in the sea and crowds around them were cheering them on. People were passing out and doing vulgar things at every turn. Crass northerners larging it up, slapper girls showing their bits, and everyone downing toxic cocktails in buckets don't really do it for me.

But it's good to see these things to be aware of the state of the Westerner world. And I try not to judge, that's just where they are in life. At least the beach I'm staying on is at the other side of the island and far more serene.

Open Advice

The vipassana I sat in Bodhgaya keeps playing on my mind. I felt I was told conflicting things to do and felt let down. But I know it's not the teachers fault, I just misunderstood. I was told to keep my awareness in my body because I tend to conceptualise too much and then on the guided meditations when they introduced watching thoughts and noticing sounds I became annoyed. Well down right confused and angry actually. But I took the advice too literally.

Martin said that Ajahn Chah was once accused of giving conflicting advice and so replied, 'well if someone walks left of the path I say move right, but if they veer right of the path I say move left.' And that's the middle way - avoiding all extremes.

Nobody knows your experience more than you and language is limited to convey this. So advice can often be misinterpreted. That's why advice should always be open to allow all expressions of translation.

I was sat in a park in Kolkata last week and a young Indian lad started chatting to me. He started to ask my opinion about sex before marriage and tried to press me for a straight answer. In his culture he was told sex before marriage was wrong. He was also worried that his future wife might be upset if she found out he had slept with other women and so might have to keep it a secret from her. He was worried that sex might become an addiction.

I told him that nobody can tell him what's good to bad, but that his own decision should be based on his own feelings and to never regret. I told him if someone murders it's just because they have a crazy suffering mind, they are not categorically 'evil'. I told him that speaking Truth doesn't aways mean telling people true things that will cause them distress. Secrets and 'white' lies are sometimes the best course of action. I told him that addictions are just the attempt to cover over other painful emotions and if he becomes addicted to anything not to blame the addiction, but instead o try and be with the way he's feeling rather than run and hide behind some emotional 'hit'.

So of course he's just as confused as to whether to have sex with his girlfriend. But I refused to give him a straight answer.

I Resign to God

I met an Israeli girl who said she tries to live by the motto, 'say yes to the world!' Don't resist what's happening, this is it, this moment couldn't be any different, say yes to it!

And that's how it is for me. I constantly try to resign my will to God. He knows what's best for me and I trust Him completely. Stop stressing and say yes to God, it's the only way you'll find true happiness!

NB: I use the word God not as an external being who controls you, but more as an expression of your higher self, a knowing that unites all of us. God is both immanent and transcendent. It's best not to try rationalising this though, just say yes and resign your struggle . .

The Importance of Staying In the Body

There's a type of vipassana I sat a couple of years ago called 'Goenka' http://www.dhamma.org/. It was started by a guy from Burma and there are hundreds of centres around the world. He's made video's of his talks to watch instead of live dharma talks, quite strange.

Anyway it's quite different to my preferred, more gentle method, of inquiry and compassion as advocated by Gaia House in Devon http://www.gaiahouse.co.uk/ . I really resisted his method before, but somehow I'm coming round to the logic behind it. It basically employs the systematic scanning of the bodies sensations to burn up karma, it's quite a brutal method. You sit for ten hours a day, three hours without moving. No walking meditation. You are not allowed to do yoga, or any healing. You must sit all the meditations. You must just move your awareness up and down your body all day long, observing sensations, which quite often become very painful. If you are able to find equanimity towards your pain then your suffering will cease. The thing we hide from in life is our emotional pain which manifests as a physical sensation, as toxins in the body. When you stop struggling and let go then these toxins dissolve and you are free. The 'sankara's' (mental formations) are overcome.

It was this philosophy which lead to my determination to 'stay in my body' on the Bodhgaya retreat I sat a couple of weeks ago. I felt that at the moment I don't need to develop insights into time and space/ the nature of reality or to open my heart, as I've done so much of this. Instead my lower chakras were calling. The basic, heavy, down to earth idea that what is needed is good old fashioned hard work to penetrate fears as they manifest physically. In the words of Goenka as he repeats throughout the day you need to be 'patient and persistent' and then you are 'bound to succeed'.

But of course we can't keep our awareness in our body all the time. Shining light on pain burns up sankara's, but it's also good to contemplate and expand the mind. Goenka makes your energy go down, while cultivating wisdom through having insights into the paradoxes of the universe allows energy to go up. So both methods are helpful. And the most important thing which all retreats have some focus on is opening the heart, allowing your energy to go outwards.

Tuning in to Energy

It's funny I have this ability to feel my third eye, a kind of whirling energy between my eyes. It happens when my intention is pure and wisdom is waking me up. And I can detect the subtle movement of consciousness in and around my own body, and even tune into the movement in other beings. Don't worry I can't read your thoughts (yet!). It's just a bit like reading body language. It's easier to do when I'm relaxed and not talking, but my intention is to try and access it more often. Anyway I'm sure we all have this ability.

I sometimes use this power to gage when clients go into deep relaxation and their minds expand, it kind of blows me away sometimes like a big balloon that's expanded. I know that this is when I start doing the healing work like a surgeon who's opened up his patient.

I used to be skeptical about energies, auras and that kind of thing. It's the way we're trained to think in the west, science unfortunately is king. I was on retreat in Nepal http://www.kopan-monastery.com/ a few of years ago that I first got a major hit of energy. Stubbornly I had refused to prostrate (bow) to the Tibetan rinpoches (incarnate beings who can choose their next rebirth unlike the rest of us who are flung by our karma) until one morning when an important rinpoche came to initiate a ceremony. He entered the room and it was as if a great wind hit me, sweeping me off my feet. My mind suddenly became very clear, tears rolled down my face and I was overtaken to prostrate profusely.

Since then I sometimes tune in to try and suss out my teachers, when I remember. One thing I noticed is that Christopher Titmus has a very strong link above and below, gushing infinitely in both directions. This makes me very curious to pursue his teachings, even though I also have some kind of resistance to him (which I know is my own delusion).

Where Are You Looking?

In NLP (Neuro-Linguistic Programming) there is a theory about where you look for accessing different thoughts. It has something to do with looking down to access kinesthetic (feelings), across for audio and up for visual thoughts. They say you look that way to access different parts of the brain.

Pondering on this topic of where we look to access thoughts I wonder if there's more to it than mere brain activity. Maybe when you look around you are actually looking towards the movement of your consciousness as it's energy flows around. Looking down to the earth deep into your experiences of the past, recalling former emotions for wisdom. Looking up to the sky to be inspired for the future, conjuring up images, drawing on the clarity of the heavens for wisdom.

People who look down too much live in the past, have low energy as their consciousness is blocked down there somehow and are prone to depression. People who look up too much live in the future, have restless energy and are prone to anxiety about the unknown. An enlightened being is not bothered by the past solid energy of looking down or the future uncertainty of looking up as their consciousness flows above and below and around their body. They are happy in the here and now, fully aware and at peace with whatever their consciousness encounters.

In fact I would like to take it a step further and suggest that what you actually look at is more than mere coincidence. Where your consciousness flows it becomes. When looking at something, you are actually looking at a manifestation of your thoughts. The world is your thoughts manifest.

This is the stuff of quantum physics and it certainly turns our ego-centric views upside down. It embraces interconnectedness. And can explain why I am able to tune into other peoples energy, after all, we are all One knowing.

On The beach

Walking on the beach,

Looking across at the ocean,

Up above the full moon beams in the sky,

Behind is sand,

Ahead is sand,

Here too is sand,

At the place where the past and future collide with this moment.

Writing

Tummy Trouble - 4/2/07

I've been dashing to the loo again. What to do. I've been on anti-biotics a couple of times already on this trip, they're not great for the system. I've taken some Imodium and rehydration, hopefully it'll pass, I'll see how it goes.

For now I'm going to lie back in a hammock on my balcony and listen to music. The sun is shining, I'm on a beautiful beach, it's a good excuse to do nothing much and maybe write.

Writing to Heal

Words of wisdom in thought form,
Subtle, fleeting, here now, then gone.
Words of wisdom written down,
Solid, stable, here now, much longer,
Writing heals further,
Written words are far more powerful
Than left at their birth as scattered thoughts.

Start Writing

If you don't already try putting pen to paper. Let the words of wisdom flow through your being. Let God's voice shine through and free you from your pain, with Love.

I'm sure you have much to express, when you delve into life's complexities, with an open mind, to liberate yourself from suffering and penetrate minds delusion.

Release Tears

Oh and if you find it hard to let go then please accept my permission to cry. Don't hold back if you need to release your pain in this way. If you want to be free then sometimes it's necessary to let the tears flow. Whatever you were holding has a quick exit through the eyes, allowing the toxins of delusion to flow away, freshening the landscape to start anew.

Love, Fear, Awake, Asleep

Your whole life has been leading up to this moment. This moment couldn't be any different. Every action you ever did, every decision you ever made, has lead to this. Has led you to read these words. Contemplating how you got to this point. It couldn't be any different.

You think you had a choice to be anywhere else but here and now? Do you really think you have any control over your life? Pushed and shoved, a slave to the movements of the Universes energy...

Don't be daft of course you do! Do you really want to live in fear forever? You always have a choice to deepen your intention to live in peace in order to wake up to your true nature. Shine light on wherever you're stuck. You're alive for goodness sake. Do you want to stay asleep?

Clouds in the Sky

Thoughts are like clouds in the sky,

So often we become absorbed in the clouds story,

We forget we're the sky.

Don't be angry at the clouds though,

No matter how grey,

No matter how much they may threaten to storm,

Just remember you're the sky,

And let the clouds rain if they need to.

What is Suppression?

This is a very important inquiry. How can we tell if we are suppressing an emotion by 'treating' ourselves to some 'time out' by doing something pleasurable, or by simply allowing the flow of life to take us in a different direction?

Sure if someone is upset and the drown their sorrows in the bottle, that's suppression. Often things like cigarettes, drugs and gambling which give a 'hit' of adrenaline are used to suppress emotions. But what about those borderline cases where we change scene in order to help lift our mood.

I was chatting to a friend in Bodhgaya about this. He said he'd go sit on a hill near his home if he felt bad, absorb himself in the beautiful view and this helped him to forget his woes. This he said was suppression. But I said that my experience is a little different. If I feel emotionally tense somewhere in my body I like to go for a walk in order to create space to be with this feeling.

I guess there's no straight answer, as with most dharma questions a truly authentic responce requires us to dig deep. Each situation is unique so we need to be genuinely honest with ourselves as to the most appropriate thing is to do. Sometimes it's necessary to allow a disruptive emotion or thought to manifest into speech or action to ensure a positive outcome, rather than running away to be alone with our feelings. But sometimes it's necessary to take a step back to watch the energy move until it passes. Sometimes it's helpful to be open, beneficial to express ourselves, other times it can be damaging. Really you need to check with your heart and try to remain clear in your mind by holding the emotion rather than becoming absorbed in it. Which of course is not always easy to do, but this is what meditation trains us to do and is a fundamental way to be in all martial arts.

And so if you do decide to conceal your feelings or the truth and step back from a situation because it's 'too hot to handle' just make sure that the reason you're doing so is out of compassion and not fear. Because when you hide from a thought or feeling from fear you cause yourself untold trouble. The same energy form will continue to rear it's ugly head under the surface and the dis-ease you encounter is likely to manifest into a more physical disease.

End of the Day

It's amazing, just from writing these words today I feel a lot better, my mind is clearer and my body feels purer. I've just been doing some yoga asana's (postures) and was able to stretch right into the postures quite easily. I wonder if Goenka's hard core method of creating equinimity with pain is quite necessary when contemplation helps eliminate toxins too. And yoga is a really physical way to break stress down as well, when you move into the postures with awareness it helps purify karma. Being a little ill has been a purification too. I decided to take the anti-biotics, the parasite will just stick around otherwise.

I've had Enough!

Light On Patanjali

When I was in Kolkata (Calcutta) I decided to go to a bookshop to see if I could find something to spread some light on all this chakra opening and closing I experience. I browse through and find one book that I'd like to buy. Just before going to the till I pick up a book called, 'Light on the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali,' by Iyengar. I suddenly feel a cool breeze around my hands and face. Oh, I'm being told to buy it. I flick through it and it seems quite hard going with extensive lists and things to learn. I trust that I was being told to buy it though and walk to the till with both books. It turns out I this book was exactly what I need, especially as I'll be going to Phool Chatti soon and will need to teach some of this stuff....

Intensifying the Intention

'The external world lures the seer towards its pleasures, creating desire. The inevitable non-fulfilment of desires in turn creates pain, which suffocates the inner being.' Light on the Yoga Sutras of Patanjali, Iyengar.

I came to spirituality as I was inspired to explore the mysteries of life and after much contemplation my heart flung open in awe of God. I blissed out. I never connected with the main tenet of Buddhism, The Four Nobel Truths.

1. I am suffering.
2. The reason I suffer is due to attachment (dependence on the conditioned, impermanent world for my happiness).
3. I can end my suffering and be liberated by relinquishing attachment to the conditioned.
4. Follow the eightfold path and you will be liberated from your suffering.

It seemed so dull and negative to imply life is suffering, but this is a misinterpretation. 'Dukkha' doesn't mean that life is suffering, but should be translated as, 'if your relationship to life is such that you are not satisfied with things as they are in this moment, then you are suffering.'

I didn't like the emphasis of the language as going away from suffering or darkness all the time. I didn't want to just relinquish the conditioned, I wanted to wake up to the unconditioned. (God is not mentioned in Buddhism, ie, the unconditioned, Buddhists just focus on losing suffering/delusion). So I wanted to go towards the light not away from the darkness.

But of course I was not always blissed out and in Love with God. I'm not always alone on a mountain, in a forest, or looking across the ocean with a serene smile on my face and a tear in my eye. Life presents problems. Relationships with others, with money, with physical discomfort, and these kinds of things throw up all kinds of negative emotions. Simplified, this is due to greed, the wish to acquire, keep, protect and maintain that which is pleasurable, in an attempt to be happy. And this leads to hatred, the wish to get rid of, push away and prevent that which is painful, in an attempt to be happy.

I do suffer all the time. When things get tough I do forget God and get caught up in a negative emotion. In fact I am forever wallowing in pain from being deviously hooked into attachment once again. And now I'm sick of it. No, more than sick of it, I am down right pissed off. I'm bloody determined to overcome it and I don't care if I die trying. I've had enough. I've always been quite competitive and like to win. And now I'm single pointedly focused on defeating my ego. I intend to kill him. And this murderous rage inside me grows each time I forget to Love God, attach to this or that, and as a result suffer. I will find God in my deepest pain, I will overcome desire, no matter what I have to face.

The intention is intensified.

Patanjali's method

In Patanjali's Eight Limbs of Yoga he advocates utilising this 'burning desire' to first cleanse the vehicle (body and mind) of impurities in order to meditate single pointedly on an object and develop samadi (absorption with God). However, for now I feel the need to investigate this very 'real' fire energy as a tool in itself to help purify the mind and body. This is tantra.

Tantra

Rage, determination, fire. I sit and this red, hot, energy blazes below me, moving up through my body. I will defeat ego!

I imagine it burning away the stressful toxins in my muscles, I imagine it burning away delusional attachment to believing that I am any of the voices in my head, feelings in my body. I throw lazy 'I can't be bothered' Andy on the fire. I throw intellectual 'lets try and figure this out' Andy to the flames. I burn away at 'I'm confused, what's going on' Andy. And my eyes begin to REM (Rapid Eye Movement, a state often associated with dreaming when asleep). The flames come roaring through my body from deep in the earth and my body twitches. Ego must die!

This happens for a while and then the flames die down. Suddenly light pours down from above.

What are you Sick of?

I'm sick of being shy around more confident people.

I'm sick of judging people on their 'image'.

I'm sick of worrying about how to make other people happy.

I'm sick of being a slave to my desires.

And I'm just about down right sick to death of living in such a hedonistic bullshit society where I have to delve so bloody deep to find the motivation to practice because everyone else is bloody trying to pull me in the other direction back towards further pain and suffering!

But most of all I'm sick of running away, I'm sick of hiding, I'm sick of living in fear....

I'm just sick of it!!!

It's good to evoke a little fire once in a while, it drives you to face your fears.

What are you sick of?

Wild Child

I am a wild child,
A stroppy little brat who's had enough!
I wriggle and scream, I'm not happy,Leave me alone,
Or I'll tear you limb from limb!

Opening to the fire

When attempting to used the energy of anger to burn away fears, don't let it overwhelm you. Be gentle on yourself. If you need to back away and edge in slowly, then maybe that's necessary. Work on creating deep peace of mind and clarity of thought first. Because when you are able to maintain a stable and balanced poise you can utilise fire to your advantage. And it's only when you have a completely open mind that the fire within will truly burn away those fears. It's important to be completely non-judgemental of whatever thought forms or emotions you encounter. And that includes not judging any judging that may have sneaked in.

Stabilise your breath when you need to. Breath into a wakeful state of being. Here and now. Open and residing in that pure state of knowing, witnessing, experiencing. Clear like crystal, vast like the sky.

I don't know exactly how fed up you are with those anxieties or fears in your life. It's up to you how much anger you want to evoke to free yourself from your pain. But allow that fire to burn as violently as it needs to, not fooling for any tricks of the ego to hide, resist, or stop in any way.

Try to always be aware of what's happening. Remaining open enough to allow the fire to have its say whatever that may be. Be aware of the way your body feels and where you need to burn away the toxins of limited thoughts or beliefs. Gently breathing in and out so that you can harness your determination. And open your mind to the fear that disturbs you the most so that you can witness the burning rage dissolve the unsavoury emotion and purify the body. Allow that burning desire that wants to be free from suffering, have its say.

Take a few deep breaths, close your eyes and do what you have to do. What you waiting for - too scared? You gonna put it off until later again?

Cleansing

There have been showers on and off today, it's been a little stormy. I kept having to dash back from the beach into the shelter of the cafes and bars.

When there are stormy clouds, it's followed by rain, then it becomes clear. I've just had a Thai massage and then a cold shower to try and clear the turbulence in my mind. It's not good to take anger with you into the world. It's important to do some kind of cleansing if you feel unsettled.

Lie down and imagine golden light pouring down on your body. Washing away your worries and woes, deep into the earth. A golden nectar that purifies all you tension, drains it all away. Leaving only peace and clarity. So that you can begin to feel bright and vibrant. Radiate love upon your being.

Intoxication - 6/2/07

I had an ice cream and some soft drinks last night. They made me feel quite ungrounded as my blood sugar soured and then dropped. What we consume has a dramatic impact on our mind state. Extreme emotions like the adrenaline that kicks in when in danger or threatened have a similar effect on the mind and body.

These toxins are not bad in their own right. But they can easily lead to confusion due to their turbulent nature and this in turn creates fear. It is fear that allows the toxins to settle in the muscles, and this is where our emotional pain and suffering begins.

We can try to avoid becoming intoxicated and confusing the mind. We may become celibate to avoid desire. Or try to live in a peaceful place to avoid anger. The practitioner of Tantra however seeks to utilise the power of these very real energies to awaken his soul. This practitioner requires deep unwavering faith to avoid any tricks the ego may present. This path is the fast path to awakening and can be dangerous to practice if done unwisely.

I sat to meditate this morning and it was like I was engulfed in a roaring fire. I went for a walk over the hill to another beach to clear my head a little. I tried to read, but I couldn't concentrate. My mind was confused. I came home and did some mindfulness meditation to clear this mind state. After ten minutes of sitting I let go a little and collapsed in a heap on my bed. I slept for a couple of hours. When I woke up I began to feel more at peace, more expansive.

Love and Hate

I love You for being so magnificent,
I hate You for being so cruel,
I hate You for making me forget your magnificence,
I love You for making me remember.
I want to love You all the time,
During pain and sorrow,
Not just when high, but when low too,
I want to love You at all times,
With this burning desire to spur me on,
I know I will succeed.

Facing Delusion with Truth on Confusion

Being and Becoming - 6/2/07

I'm closest to You when I'm simply being,
I aspire to be with You more often,
I'll be more happy when I become a being who is simply being and not aspiring to become,
But until I become that being of simply being,
I'll do my best to cleanse my being of the desire of becoming,
In that spirit I aim to stop being a human doing and hopefully one day just be a human being.

Balancing

And once again I become ungrounded. I chat to someone who is very grounded and powerful in manner and it throws me. But you know that's ok, so long as I just watch it and don't get stressed my consciousness naturally goes earthbound to connect with them. It's stress that blocks what's happening and causes me to space out and avoid certain personalities out of fear. There's nothing to be afraid of, all beings who enter my mind stream deserve to be loved and so be open to that.

I meditate a little, just to be mindful, present with what is. After a while I notice the fire coming up from below and the light coming down from above, merging in my body. It seems that that's what the life force is, the merging of love and hate, free and limited, and whatever other dualistic concepts you can think of. Wakefulness exists slap bang in the middle when perfect balance is achieved.

Spaced Out 7/2/07

Today I started a massage course, I thought it would be good to do something grounding. But because there's so much to learn and remember I space out a little at the end of the day. I couldn't concentrate at all. I went back to my room and tried to meditate, but I couldn't sit still. I tried to do some yoga, but I couldn't pose still. Restlessly spaced out I needed to ground myself.
I lay down and asked, 'What is the metaphor for this problem!' The image that came was like loads of birds were flying high in the sky. Like fluttering thoughts they were pulling me out of my body. I then asked, 'what's the solution for this problem?' I imagined shooting them down with a gun, it helped but wasn't enough. I imagined shooting a rocket launcher high into the air and as the biggest bird of all in the highest place in the sky came plunging down to earth I felt myself fall back into my body with a resounding thud. I felt grounded after that. But I went and had some french fries just to be sure (root vegetables are very grounding as they grow in the earth - that's my excuse anyway ;).

Massage - 9/2/07

I've been getting better at doing the massage. It seems to me that it's doing the same kind of thing as watching pain to burn up sankara's or karma. Maybe it's the lazy mans method! Well anyway I came to realise that when an area is being massaged your awareness goes to that place and if it is painful it is by relaxing that it is helped to disperse. If you tense up then it will not shift and will create more toxins elsewhere in the body. This is the same as when doing yoga asana's, letting go of being competitive or struggling in any other way, allows you to go deeper into the posture as the tension is released.

Future, Future, Me, Me

There's always some dilemma. 'What shall I do next?' seems to be the worry on many peoples mind here on the beach. Does it really matter - you're on a beautiful island 'now'! Let it go, you could spend your whole life worrying about what's next and miss life. Besides when you let go and start being a little more flexible, it all falls into place.

Hello, Goodbye

I'm just another divine being who happened to drift into your stream of consciousness to say hi. Watch my energy flow and then be done with it. See ya.

An Inquiry to Push for Liberation

What's stopping you from being liberated?

When I become as present as I can by thinking of everything being eternally 'here and now' I find that there's something blocking me from letting go. Like a prison.

What's stopping you from freedom?

I know the prison is not the real prison, it's my relationship to it that imprisons me. I need to be 'with' the feeling of being trapped and this is what will release me.

What's stopping you?

It's like I'm grasping the ungraspable. I feel like I'm close and then I notice I hold my breath. I'm trying to be with the grasping instead of seeing it as an obstacle. It's just another energy within an all encompassing mind.

And?

And it feels like a great relief to allow the grasping for liberation to be there rather than trying to stop grasping. I feel freer. I feel clearer, I feel like shedding a tear.

Another Divine Being

I'm another divine being drifting through your awareness to let you know you're amazing. Notice how I make you feel, just letting that energy do its thing. See ya!

Delusion

It's not discriminating between right and wrong, pleasure or pain, that causes suffering. We must make beneficial choices. The delusion is being attached to the outcome of choices so that you become upset if it doesn't work out.

In fact it's not even the movement of craving or aversion which causes suffering. The delusion is becoming absorbed in that energy and failing to be non-judgemental.

Delusion is the belief that you would be happier or even liberated, if only things were different. The way things are right now is all you've got for goodness sake, stop resisting and allow life to flow from this moment creatively, organically, freely.

Delusional Being

I'm a delusional being bursting my way into your mind stream to let you know you're a terrible, sinful being. All those violent and sexually perverse thoughts are evil. Notice how I make you feel, especially when you believe my delusion.

What's the metaphor for your life issue?

There's always a metaphor, felt or visualised, for the problems we encounter. Sometimes we know this out right, it may be a feeling like we're drowning, or we may feel like we're swept off our feet in a whirlwind. And so there will also be a deeper metaphor, perhaps buried in the subconscious mind, for a more sustaining issue in our life.

In order to bring this metaphor to the surface so that you can solve and heal, it's important to relax. To let go of day to day concerns by bringing your awareness to the here and now. Imaging blissful waves of calm to flow though your muscles allows your body to forget what it was holding and breathe into a more profound state of consciousness. Unleashing the ability to plunge into that clarity of awareness like a breeze in the wind. Perhaps not knowing what freedom tastes like but somehow trusting in your ability to be open enough to listen, to observe, to the deeper, more hidden anxieties of the mind. And how as they begin to surface and manifest in the body you can find the courage to place the intention to just be with that without judgement. Holding steady as you explore it's qualities from all angles. So that as it begins to intensify, awareness can effortlessly find the space to accommodate that emotion as your calm breath maintains its rhythm. And as your subconscious beings that deep seated fear to it's climax allowing it's energy to have its say so that you can close your eyes for a few seconds, or long enough to allow a metaphor to spontaneously arrive in your mind. Not trying to force anything, but just getting a sense of its message.

And now you can spend a couple of moments just acknowledging that feeling or metaphor. Really being with it and no matter what form it takes be open enough to move into and experience its expression as much as you can handle. Watching it like a patient, wise old man, a tender, loving mother or a curious, young child.

Do this for as long as you feel comfortable and when you're ready you can begin to transform it into something more positive. The image or feeling can begin to blend into the solution so that your body can flush out the erogenous thought forms. Cleansing you at a deeper level than from where that issue arose so that you are able to move that little bit close towards ultimate peace. Closing your eyes once more and asking with determined persistence 'what is the solution to this problem?' and sinking into that experience.

However you are feeling now is a justified state of being so continue to shine clarity on your experience. Clear vision that is easily accessible and can heal more effectively the more you begin to reside in that solution.

And now you can think back to what you were doing before you read this and forget to remember everything that just happened in order to focus on day to day concerns. Shutting the lid and moving back into day to day consciousness of this and that, me and you and all those different things you need to do until the end of the end.

A Divine Being

I'm a divine being laughing my way into your consciousness so that you can look at the absurdities of taking life so seriously. Notice the effect I have. Catch you later alligator!

Moving On

Bye bye Paradise Beach - 10/2/07

And so today I leave my island. It's a shame as it's such a chilled out place. So many people come here for a few days and end up staying for a few weeks, but I don't have that choice, my flight back to India is fast approaching. Besides, while it's given me the space to go deeper into my experience of life, it is a little expensive compared to India. And I kind of miss India's unpretentious, down to earth, no non-sense, simplicity. I miss eating with my hands and burping when I'm done.

Delusional Being

I'm a delusional being strutting my way into you mind stream to make it knowledge that you're the best! Notice how it makes you feel to revel in pride and believe my delusion. Shall I stick around? Nah, I've got better things to do. See ya!

Are Buddhists Masochists?

I went on retreat a few years ago in Nepal and there was a Jewish lady who kept jokingly asking this question to the teacher. I found it funny at the time. But yesterday in conversation I found myself repeatedly saying, 'I just want to feel pain.' The difference is I guess that I'm not seeking pleasure in pain, but liberation in it.

A Divine Being

I'm a divine being carefully edging my way into your mind stream. Don't believe anything on blind faith alone, but be open enough to listen. Trust only your direct experience, not what I or anyone might say. Notice how I make you feel until I'm gone. Bye.

Your Thoughts are the Universe

Do you think it's all just the result of the big bang and then we evolved to witness it? Come on, matter is solidified thought forms! We're so materialistic these days, how can matter exist if there's no one to witness it - if a tree falls in a forest, can anyone hear it? No because there is no subject separate from the object, awareness is both. There is no witnesser and there is no witnessed, there is only witnessing. It is divine energy that makes matter exist and it is that same divine energy that makes you aware, animated with life. We are not robots with life added!!!

Do you think it's coincidence that when you feel depressed or down you feel heavy like the earth? And when you are ecstatic or high you feel free like the sky? You feel that way because your consciousness has gone there, left your body and absorbed itself with that element of nature which is a thought form.

Beneath the earth is fire, burning desire or rage. And above the sky is the Light of the sun and stars, far away.

Want to end suffering? Well don't shut anything out, even your deepest fears. Let the whole Universe above and below enter your heart.

A Delusional Being

I'm a delusional being mocking anything logic can't prove. Don't trust your experience, use your intellect to try and figure me out. Notice how that feels until I'm gone. See ya.

The Size of the Universe 11/2/07

Sometimes the mind is small and contracted,
Sometimes it's as large as the Universe,
Open and free,
But don't worry which one you're experiencing,
For even if it's gripping tight in pain,
You're always free,
The universe is contained in a single atom,
Freedom in your deepest sorrow,
When you wake up to this,
Then your mind will expand to the size of the Universe.

A delusional Being

I'm a delusional being lost and wondering if I'm in the right mind stream. Notice how my scatty energy makes you feel until I'm gone.

Keep Going Towards the Light

If everything we experience is an energy of thought and thought or opinion is delusion, then we have delusion to thank for everything we sense.

Fed up with pain or uncontrollable gross desires? Well I'm sick of seeking bliss too, it's just another subtle craving. I'm choosing now to welcome pain and pleasure, just as it is, into my awareness. Not to seek anything over and above this moments expression. But just to forever rest in 'that knowing'.

Trouble is without seeking, 'what shall I do?' Collapse in a heap on the floor and be mindful of it?

It's a bit of a puzzle with no neat answer. 'To be or to become, that is the question.' Perhaps the Tibetans are right, our motivating action should be bodhichitta - 'to help save all sentient beings from suffering'. And maybe I'll come back again and again to do just that. It's not such a bad thing, It helps me immensely to help you you know. And if there's a choice I'd rather burn karma than wallow in my suffering. It's time to wake up and wake everyone else too!

A Being

I'm a being, maybe divine, maybe delusional. No matter, just watch my energy flow through your mind without judgement until I pass by. Au revoir.

Schizophrenia my Arse

Why does science always try and put everything neatly in a box? Perhaps some people voices are a little louder or more extreme than others, but it's not so black and white as they'd try to make it. We all have voices taking us away from our true self. Sure some of them may be wiser and pointing us back, but getting caught in their 'wise' words in itself lowers your consciousness. The advise is the same for everyone, we're all mentally ill. Keep coming back to the here and now with peace. Meditate single pointedly so that you can root out the unhelpful voices at their source. And all the other virtuous stuff that cleanses the mind of delusion. You've got no other choice, unless you want to suffer for countless more rebirths.

And people who are told they're mad because they hallucinate and see the devil or something. You could say what they see isn't 'real'. But I say, what's bloody 'real!' A dream is being experienced, life is being experienced. You could say 'real' is seeing a being which has consciousness like you or me. Well hello everything contains consciousness and we're all interconnected. Stop trying to categorise things as 'real' and 'unreal', it really winds me up.

The Angry Voices

I'm back in Bangkok, it's blisteringly hot and I didn't sleep so well on the night train. The fire is burning inside me again. And even though perhaps I have the fortunate karma that most of the voices in my head ramble on about dharma day and night, I'm getting sick of them. Won't you just shut up! You're lowering my capacity to be - to be 'with' this bloody fire!!

The Exorcist 12/2/07

I fly back to Kolkata. Peacefully I sit on the plane when from out of nowhere this energy rises again. Kicking and screaming inside me, swearing and wanting to spit venom as it whooshes here and there out of my body. It almost becomes visual but is more like a the wind. Where did it come from? No matter with questions like that. I close my eyes gently, relax the muscles in my face, and let it have it's rant, trying just observe and not judge. I guess it's good it arose so that I can observe it and burn up some karma, otherwise it would persist subconsciously. I just need to try put a lid on it in public and only let it out when meditating.

I'm not the Dance of the Light Behind Awareness

A am the Light behind awareness,
Touching life with my infinite knowing,
Awakening to my true nature by shining clarity on delusion with my Love,
I am ever present and everywhere.
I am not the dance of awareness,
The curious explorer,
Whose subtle nature is blissful and full of vitality,
For this energy dancer is a mere tool,
A means to penetrate a delusional belief that's got stuck.
But the dance of awareness is limited,
As the dance of delusion can sometimes flow just as fast,
An angry little monster who's hard to catch.
So at times I must abandon the tool of the dancing explorer,
And instead rest back in a more all encompassing, all knowing state,
For it is here that the monster of delusion can be caught,
For he never really escaped.

Coming Home

Kolkata, a tropical bombardment on the senses. Dirty squalor, chaotic abundance, colonial impressions, I'm back in India, where God manifests symbols of himself to draw the soul back to it's source. Down to earth, in your face, no messing, India smacks you to open your senses in awe. How I love India, how I'm glad to be back in the homeland. With all it's basicness, it oozes spirituality. Crazy rickshaw drivers, beggars with no limbs, turbans float past, colourful sari's, incense wafting. A naked child pees in the street, crowds of people feasting on an array of street food, a skinny dog limps past. That's just a glimpse of the other worldliness of India. Nothing surprises me here, If I saw an alien creature sprout wings and breath fire I wouldn't be shocked. India manifests God's in many forms. India is where I most feel at home.


Sitting on the train to Delhi with some classical Indian music playing I feel my heart melt as I'm seduced by the nectar of the sitar. The sitar, my chosen instrument to perfect, I'll practice and practice when I'm back in Rishikesh.

I'm going back to Rishikesh! To practice yoga, cleanse my body, and to sing songs in praise of God. All to draw my soul back to its source. I feel so lucky.

Back In Rishikesh 14/2/07

Oh how I love Rishikesh,The mountains,The river,The peace,The abundance of religious symbology,The travellers dressed like they're auditioning to be Gandalf's younger sibling,I'm so glad I've returned,I feel so at home.

Windy Old Laxman Juala (an area in Rishikesh)

It's so cold at night here, and the wind whirls through the valley. My sleep is disruptive as I huddle myself in the blankets. Brrr I shiver, clank the wind makes itself heard. I always have funny sleep when there are gail's. I start to have these out of body experiences and my body becomes immobile. Science calls it catalepsy, natures way of preventing us from acting out our dreams. I call it fears grip that suppresses movement. It's like a demon force has me in it's grips. And the more I try to wake up or reach for the light switch, the faster I whirl around the room like a lost spirit caught in a whirlwind. Somehow my dreamy mind remembers not to be afraid. What am I afraid of - nothing can kill me as I am eternal. Sure my body and mind can be battered and bruised, but I will persist. This is a relief to the soul and I relax a little.

Returning to Phool Chatti 15/2/07

I pick up my new sitar, such a beautiful splendor. Then I carry it while hauling my bags to a taxi. I'm going back to Phool Chatti Ashram, to help and teach which in turn allows me to receive and learn. I spend a day or two buying furniture, cushions, incense and candles. Bits and pieces to make me feel at home. The plan is to stay here for 10 weeks to help with the course so at last I can settle for a while in one place.

How wonderful not to live out of my bag. How wonderful to be able to focus on my practice more deeply. How wonderful to help in this way. I'm so lucky to have been offered this wonderful opportunity. In the such a beautiful ashram, in such a holy place. And you know what, it's all because I let go and resigned to God. My God, our God, the One God who unites us all and leads us where we need to be led.

Healing with Awareness 17/2/07

I get a tap on the shoulder and as I turn around a see a friend. A girl from Greece who is meant to be in Pune doing a Yoga teachers training course. 'What are you doing here?' I ask. 'Well I had a really bad back for a few weeks now. I had massages, I rested, but it just won't go away. There was no way I could do yoga, it's been a struggle to carry my bags, but I decided to come here instead to heal.' We go for a walk through the forest to the Ganges to catch up.

We go to my room to sit. I guide her to be 'with' the pain in her back. Investigate it with curiosity to find that it's difficult to find and pin point. And this makes it appear less solid, more fluid. To hold it in awareness's non-judgemental way and let it have its say, whatever that may be. Wherever you notice clinging in the mind, to just allow that energy to be and releasing the desire to want things to be a certain way. Your minds natural state is open and clear like the sky and the movement and when you let go and move into that more blissful state the dance of energy in thought form or feelings in that body can be much freer to express themselves.

Well she said after that how the pain moved and shift. It had been static for weeks and causing her much distress. But now her right arm for some reason felt hot at the top and heavy near the hands. After more guidance this too shifted and the pain was gone. It took just ten/fifteen minutes to shift this pain with awareness's free and loving healing power.

This morning she told me it still felt sore in her back. But this sensation was more like the aching you feel the day after a big workout at the gym. The pain had gone.

Suffering is a trick of the mind. A trick to avoid facing fears which are nothing more than a thought forms delusion. When we allow life to be and flow as it needs to, without adding attempts to make this moment different in any way, then we are free. And this is the message I will teach here at Phool Chatti. The message that speaks through me as Love from God.

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